In order to understand the practicals of parenting from this new perspective, it is important to frame the shift that is taking place by describing the “old” model versus the “new” model.

Our “old” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies in the womb are passive passengers

> They do not possess enough brain structure for memory

> They arrive as “blank slates”

> A child’s misbehavior has malicious intention and needs to be disciplined out of them

> A parent’s main responsibility is to “discipline” the child

The predominant belief was that babies do not arrive as people. Rather, they arrive in the world as “blank slates” and it is the parents’ responsibility to fill them with knowledge and train them up to be socially appropriate.  In fact, the idea went so far as to suggest that a human child has both “good” and “bad” and  “right” and “wrong” tendencies in them, and it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that their child is “good” and understands “right” from “wrong.” Basically, the assumption was that the child becomes an adult completely based on how the parent molds their offspring.

Our “new” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies are conscious

> They arrive as whole people

> They have primitive brains, bodies and nervous systems that need external regulating for quite some time

> They come equipped with inherent primal drives to connect, explore, learn, grow and be accepted by society

> Their “misbehavior” is “stress behavior”–the result of neurophysiological dysregulation

> A parent’s main responsibility is to guide and regulate

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To simplify—and this is foundational to the new model—your children were born into this world already whole and complete and the main things they need from you during early development are connection, kindness, respect, love,  physiological tending (food, a safe and enriching environment, etc.). AND, perhaps most importantly, emotional attunement and nervous system regulation.   This understanding is HUGELY different from what was commonly known about children and parenting by our parents’ (and their parents’) generations.

So what does this mean? It means that you are not ultimately responsible for who your child becomes as an adult. Their personality, their likes and dislikes, what types of people they’re attracted to, what kinds of food they enjoy and what activities, trades and sports they move towards – are fundamentally inherent to their beingness. However, parents are instrumental in helping children stay connected to their beingness, the awareness of who they really are, by providing a relatively calm, connected, reflective, richly love and joy-filled  environment in the early years.  Parents help steady the system for the little ones in the midst of the inevitable crazy rapid development that is taking place in the early years of life. And how does one do that? By becoming an informed, regulated present, self-reflective person.

I’m sure you have loads of questions and there’s plenty more to say so please stay tuned for part two…

A world in which babies and children are loved and respected as whole people from the very beginning. Where parents and birth professionals are guided, supported, and inspired to be their best, truest, selves. And where families are living deep, connected, joy-filled and love-fueled lives together.

Too much to ask? I don’t think so. This is my mission. I can see it, feel it, taste it and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to see it to fruition.

What is your biggest dream? Share it with me.

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Why? Because the stroke she suffered affected her left brain functioning. Her ability to reason and use language and do very practical human things.

What she was left with was right brain functioning. She found herself in a state of presence. She experienced life in the moment, through her beingness. Based on what I’ve been studying for the past 10 years this is very similar to what it means to be a baby—A Big Being in a little body.

In her book My Stroke of Insight she offers Tips for anyone relating to someone who has just gone through a stroke. I’ve adapted this list slightly to help people who are caring for babies and children.

1. I am not a blob. I am a conscious, awake, thinking, feeling, communicative being who cannot, just yet, express myself in the ways that others can express themselves. Please respect me as a fully conscious person.

2. Come close, speak slowly, and enunciate clearly.

3. Repeat yourself—assume I know nothing and start from the beginning, over and over.

4. Be as patient with me the 20th time you teach me something, as you were the first.

5. Approach me with an open heart and slow your energy down. Take your time.

6. Be aware of what your body language and facial expressions are communicating to me.

7. Make eye contact with me. I am in here—come find me. Encourage me.

8. Please don’t raise your voice—I’m not deaf, I’m just little.

9. Touch me appropriately and connect with me.

10. Honor the healing power of sleep.

11. Protect my energy. Be mindful of not overstimulating me with too much talk radio, TV, or nervous visitors!

12. Stimulate my brain when I have energy to learn something new, but know that a small amount may wear me out quickly.

13. Use your face, your voice and your hands. Those are my favorite toys.

14. Introduce me to the world kinesthetically. Let me feel everything.

15. Teach me with monkey-see, monkey-do behavior.

16. Trust that I am trying—just not with your skill level or on your schedule.

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17. When you ask me to do something, give me time to process the request before asking again or getting upset because I’m not doing it. Expect that I will do it.

18. Ask me questions with specific answers. Allow me time to hunt for an answer.

19. Do not assess my cognitive ability by how fast I can think.

20. Handle me gently.

21. Speak to me directly, not about me to others.

22. Cheer me on. Expect me to grow up. It will happen quickly.

23. Trust that my brain can always continue to learn.

24. Break all actions down into smaller steps of action.

25. Look for what obstacles prevent me from succeeding on a task.

26. Clarify for me what the next level or step is so I know what I am working toward.

27. Remember that I have to be proficient at one level of function before I can move on to the next level.

28. Celebrate all of my little successes. They inspire me.

29. I may want you to think I understand more than I really do.

30. Focus on what I can do rather than bemoan what I cannot do.

31. Introduce me to my life.

32. Remember that in the absence of some functions, I have  other abilities, specifically the ability to sense things very intensely.

33. Familiarize me with my family, friends, and loving support. Build a collage wall of cards and photos that I can see. Label them so I can review them.

34. Call in the troops! Create a support team for yourselves and for me. We all thrive when surrounded by a loving and supportive tribe.

35. Love me for who I am today. Don’t wish me into tomorrow. Be here now and celebrate who I am in this moment.

36. Be protective of me but do not stand in the way of my progress.

37. Remember that growing my brain and body is hard work and I will feel tired a lot of the time.

38. Don’t fear my future. It just takes you out of the present.

39. Trust that you are doing more than enough.

40. Above all, take great care of yourself, it helps me feel safe.

So what do tiny new humans need from us in the beginning?

They need compassion. They need understanding. They need guidance and love and nurturing and lots and lots of emotional space. Yes, we need to tune in and attune. And, we need to do that in a slow and spacious way. In a way that honors who they truly are.

Here’s what we can say to our littlest ones…

I know there is more to you than what meets the eye. I know you are in there. I know you are a full person with thoughts and desires and the ability to create and a path of your own that you are traveling. I know that essentially you are no different than me, you are just in a small package for now. I will care for you in a way that honors all of you. I will care for you in a way that allows you to discover who you are without me thinking I need to pour my desires and my fear and my wishes into you for you to be OK. You are OK. It’s my job to discover, though our time and experiences together, that I’m OK, too.

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Photo by Mightybean

The second of five videos in an expert series by Geobeats.

Check it out right here.