I’m also excited to share with you a video created to illuminate just a fraction of the expansive growth Evolve 2011 participants experienced.

Do you want to look back on 2012 and be able to say:

• I am now parenting with intention and guiding our children in a way that is deeply connected and offers them a healthy space to grow.
• I am now totally, 100% committed to self-care and I see the difference it makes in my parenting.
• I am now on the same page with my partner—as parents, friends…and lovers.
• I feel supremely comfortable about our finances and in my ability to impart healthy habits to our children.

Evolve 2012 will offer you a year’s worth of my time, energy and passion—the very best stuff in the areas of parenting, personhood, partnership and prosperity. All of it. With Evolve 2012, together I will help you re-wire your brain for more love, more joy, more fun and way more connection with yourself, your children, your partner and your money.

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Over the next 4 days I will be sharing a series of FREE video gifts, all of which will instantly solve challenges relating to parenting, partnership, self-care and money. These represent but a sliver of the valuable content, wisdom, inspiration and transformation that I guarantee you’ll get from Evolve 2012.

If you are already on my list, great! You’re covered. If not, please sign up below to receive these FREE gifts – valuable tips and techniques that you can put to use immediately.

More about Evolve please! Sign up to receive your free gifts.

No child is immune to meltdowns. They are part of early life and necessary for development. That said, by arming yourself with the most effective information and tools you can prevent most unsavory behavior from happening or minimize the duration of the tantrum when your child slips into his reptilian brain. Here’s what to do before, during and after the episode. (note: I’ll be using him/his throughout for simplicities sake)

Prevention is the key. When it comes to navigating the tough times with your little ones, the best offense is a good defense. You can maximize the amount of time your child is feeling regulated and in his human brain by being extremely aware of tending his physical and emotional “cups” and doing your best to keep him relatively full. The best way to keep him topped off is by taking care of yourself and making sure you are regulated. Next, it’s important to keep tabs on his physical needs such as food, water, sleep, exercise, etc.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, ensure your child is emotionally full by connecting with him often.  This means making eye contact, giving him burst of your undivided attention, being playful and expressing genuine appreciation and love. If you do these things, family life has the potential of flowing smoothly more than not.

And there will be meltdowns. As good as you get at prevention, every child will slip. Let’s frame this in the context of a real life example. Let’s say you’re at the grocery store. Well, hopefully you instinctively took some preventative measures up front: you fed your child a snack before leaving the house or getting out of the car; made eye contact and told your child where you’re going and why; you connected with him; maybe you even set up some sort of challenge or game like “I spy” in the store. However, if you sense a meltdown coming – you’ll know by incessant whining or whimpering, or not being a good listener, or being really bossy and yelling.

The first thing to do is to slow down. Literally. Stop your cart. Stop shopping. Take a breath and bring your attention to your child. Try to connect with him – make good eye contact, relate and empathize. For example, you could say with emotion, “I know you want to go to the playground and I can see you’re frustrated. And we’re almost done. Thank you for being so patient.” pause, pause, pause, pause. “Hey! Let’s go down 2 more aisles and then we’ll check out and drive right to the playground. It’s going to be so much fun!” Then guide his attention by being animated about something in the store and make it fun like “Oh my gosh! Look at the crazy looking leprechaun on this cereal box! He’s cooooool! What color is his hat??”
Whatever it takes…you get the picture.

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If that doesn’t work and you just can’t stop the meltdown from coming. He’s flopping on the floor and kicking and screaming and just totally losing his cool – the first thing to do is just stop. Stop your body and your mouth and take a deep breath – you need to stay regulated or you’ll just throw gas on his little raging fire. In some cases, you can soothe him on the spot; in others, you’ll need to park your cart, pick up your child, and  walk out of the store and get into the car.

Once you are in the car, check in with yourself. Notice where you are tense and how you are feeling. If you are feeling frustrated and/or angry do something that gets the energy out of you. One suggestion is to cover your mouth with your hands or arm and scream. Just let it out. Next, take a breath and remind yourself that you are safe and that this is just a challenging moment that will pass. After you’ve regulated yourself a bit, check in with your child. Sense what he might be feeling. Take a moment to just be there. Go slow and just let there be some space. Once things have settled, even a bit, offer a snack or find an area to move your bodies.  If you can, manage his expectations, take him back in the store, and finish your business; otherwise, head home and regulate. Get him what he need – physical or emotional nutrition, and he’ll come back into their human brain.

Good stuff, right? I  want to scream it from the mountain tops because I know how powerful and effective it can be.  And I have tons more to share. Tons! And I want you to have it all. That said, I’m crafting something amazing for 2012. Something so big that I can guarantee it will transform your family life.

It’s brewing so stay tuned.

The main shift that you want to understand is that your job as a parent is to CONNECT with and REGULATE the little person versus CONTROL the child’s behavior.

Here’s a perfect example of parenting from the old model versus the new. Your child is playing and after some time he begins to assert his will – He doesn’t get his way so he flops on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying and throwing everything in sight (sound familiar?).

In this scenario, the old way of thinking would suggest your child is simply being “bad” and “misbehaving” and “naughty” and that he  “must be disciplined and taught how to be good.”

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The truth is, yes, your child is indeed asserting his will. However, what we now know about the brain strongly suggests that  that your child isn’t misbehaving or being bad at all; rather he’s a dysregulated little person who can’t manage his big emotions just yet! He’s not trying to be disobedient or manipulative. No, your child is simply reacting to a mental and physical state of exhaustion, frustration, overwhelm or curiosity.  He is dysregulated and needs a parent’s loving care and guidance to get back to a state of balance.

I know what you may be thinking, “Carrie that all sounds well and good and I appreciate knowing it, but what the heck do I DO when my child is acting this way? How can I both minimize these types of meltdowns and deal with them when they are happening? Because when they are happening I really want to control and discipline my child.”

Well alright then, tools you shall have! Stay tuned for Part 3 where I will I’ll give you concrete tips and tools for dealing with challenging behaviors from the “New Paradigm” perspective.

In order to understand the practicals of parenting from this new perspective, it is important to frame the shift that is taking place by describing the “old” model versus the “new” model.

Our “old” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies in the womb are passive passengers

> They do not possess enough brain structure for memory

> They arrive as “blank slates”

> A child’s misbehavior has malicious intention and needs to be disciplined out of them

> A parent’s main responsibility is to “discipline” the child

The predominant belief was that babies do not arrive as people. Rather, they arrive in the world as “blank slates” and it is the parents’ responsibility to fill them with knowledge and train them up to be socially appropriate.  In fact, the idea went so far as to suggest that a human child has both “good” and “bad” and  “right” and “wrong” tendencies in them, and it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that their child is “good” and understands “right” from “wrong.” Basically, the assumption was that the child becomes an adult completely based on how the parent molds their offspring.

Our “new” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies are conscious

> They arrive as whole people

> They have primitive brains, bodies and nervous systems that need external regulating for quite some time

> They come equipped with inherent primal drives to connect, explore, learn, grow and be accepted by society

> Their “misbehavior” is “stress behavior”–the result of neurophysiological dysregulation

> A parent’s main responsibility is to guide and regulate

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To simplify—and this is foundational to the new model—your children were born into this world already whole and complete and the main things they need from you during early development are connection, kindness, respect, love,  physiological tending (food, a safe and enriching environment, etc.). AND, perhaps most importantly, emotional attunement and nervous system regulation.   This understanding is HUGELY different from what was commonly known about children and parenting by our parents’ (and their parents’) generations.

So what does this mean? It means that you are not ultimately responsible for who your child becomes as an adult. Their personality, their likes and dislikes, what types of people they’re attracted to, what kinds of food they enjoy and what activities, trades and sports they move towards – are fundamentally inherent to their beingness. However, parents are instrumental in helping children stay connected to their beingness, the awareness of who they really are, by providing a relatively calm, connected, reflective, richly love and joy-filled  environment in the early years.  Parents help steady the system for the little ones in the midst of the inevitable crazy rapid development that is taking place in the early years of life. And how does one do that? By becoming an informed, regulated present, self-reflective person.

I’m sure you have loads of questions and there’s plenty more to say so please stay tuned for part two…

My fourteen year old is participating in a workshop for young women. On the last day they will be sharing messages from women in their lives speaking about what they wished they were told at that age. I would love it if you would write a short note/email for this occasion?

I did not hesitate because I adore this young woman with all my heart. And I share it here because its message should be felt by all. Mothers, daughters, fathers, sons. You ALL are magnificent beings…

You are a magnificent being. Know that with all your heart and soul. And don’t ever forget it. In fact, make it your life’s mission to remember that you are far more than what the world can see. And do everything you can to share the wholeness of all you are. Give us all you got! Your light is bright and beautiful. Be courageous and let it shine. Take risks and put yourself out there. Trust yourself. You know. You know exactly why you are here and what you need to do to make this journey spectacular. Just listen to your gut and follow your heart. It will always lead you in the right direction.

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Photo by M. Marding

Why? Because the stroke she suffered affected her left brain functioning. Her ability to reason and use language and do very practical human things.

What she was left with was right brain functioning. She found herself in a state of presence. She experienced life in the moment, through her beingness. Based on what I’ve been studying for the past 10 years this is very similar to what it means to be a baby—A Big Being in a little body.

In her book My Stroke of Insight she offers Tips for anyone relating to someone who has just gone through a stroke. I’ve adapted this list slightly to help people who are caring for babies and children.

1. I am not a blob. I am a conscious, awake, thinking, feeling, communicative being who cannot, just yet, express myself in the ways that others can express themselves. Please respect me as a fully conscious person.

2. Come close, speak slowly, and enunciate clearly.

3. Repeat yourself—assume I know nothing and start from the beginning, over and over.

4. Be as patient with me the 20th time you teach me something, as you were the first.

5. Approach me with an open heart and slow your energy down. Take your time.

6. Be aware of what your body language and facial expressions are communicating to me.

7. Make eye contact with me. I am in here—come find me. Encourage me.

8. Please don’t raise your voice—I’m not deaf, I’m just little.

9. Touch me appropriately and connect with me.

10. Honor the healing power of sleep.

11. Protect my energy. Be mindful of not overstimulating me with too much talk radio, TV, or nervous visitors!

12. Stimulate my brain when I have energy to learn something new, but know that a small amount may wear me out quickly.

13. Use your face, your voice and your hands. Those are my favorite toys.

14. Introduce me to the world kinesthetically. Let me feel everything.

15. Teach me with monkey-see, monkey-do behavior.

16. Trust that I am trying—just not with your skill level or on your schedule.

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17. When you ask me to do something, give me time to process the request before asking again or getting upset because I’m not doing it. Expect that I will do it.

18. Ask me questions with specific answers. Allow me time to hunt for an answer.

19. Do not assess my cognitive ability by how fast I can think.

20. Handle me gently.

21. Speak to me directly, not about me to others.

22. Cheer me on. Expect me to grow up. It will happen quickly.

23. Trust that my brain can always continue to learn.

24. Break all actions down into smaller steps of action.

25. Look for what obstacles prevent me from succeeding on a task.

26. Clarify for me what the next level or step is so I know what I am working toward.

27. Remember that I have to be proficient at one level of function before I can move on to the next level.

28. Celebrate all of my little successes. They inspire me.

29. I may want you to think I understand more than I really do.

30. Focus on what I can do rather than bemoan what I cannot do.

31. Introduce me to my life.

32. Remember that in the absence of some functions, I have  other abilities, specifically the ability to sense things very intensely.

33. Familiarize me with my family, friends, and loving support. Build a collage wall of cards and photos that I can see. Label them so I can review them.

34. Call in the troops! Create a support team for yourselves and for me. We all thrive when surrounded by a loving and supportive tribe.

35. Love me for who I am today. Don’t wish me into tomorrow. Be here now and celebrate who I am in this moment.

36. Be protective of me but do not stand in the way of my progress.

37. Remember that growing my brain and body is hard work and I will feel tired a lot of the time.

38. Don’t fear my future. It just takes you out of the present.

39. Trust that you are doing more than enough.

40. Above all, take great care of yourself, it helps me feel safe.

So what do tiny new humans need from us in the beginning?

They need compassion. They need understanding. They need guidance and love and nurturing and lots and lots of emotional space. Yes, we need to tune in and attune. And, we need to do that in a slow and spacious way. In a way that honors who they truly are.

Here’s what we can say to our littlest ones…

I know there is more to you than what meets the eye. I know you are in there. I know you are a full person with thoughts and desires and the ability to create and a path of your own that you are traveling. I know that essentially you are no different than me, you are just in a small package for now. I will care for you in a way that honors all of you. I will care for you in a way that allows you to discover who you are without me thinking I need to pour my desires and my fear and my wishes into you for you to be OK. You are OK. It’s my job to discover, though our time and experiences together, that I’m OK, too.

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Photo by Mightybean

The second of five videos in an expert series by Geobeats.

Check it out right here.

Why is this the case?
Well, it’s actually quite simple.

Children arrive as human beings. I like to say we are BIG BEINGS in little bodies. The being part of us is here to express our fullest potential. The human part is most concerned with the survival of this amazing physical organism. Upon arrival the being part of us is present, aware, fully conscious. However, the human part of us is very primitive and limited in function. In the early years, quite quickly, human beings develop amazing skills that allow them to be productive members of their families and ultimately society. And, this does not happen in a vacuum. Human development requires energy. Children need physical nutrition in the form of food to fuel development. However, they also need emotional nutrition in the form of energy from their parents and caregivers to fuel the massive amounts of emotional development that is taking place in childhood. The highest quality emotional nutrition, the emotional super food – if you will – is appreciation. When children receive appreciation they are receiving love and joy-filled positive energy from their parents. Feeling connected is a primal need that all humans have, especially developing humans. It helps us feel safe and seen. And when we feel safe and seen we are motivated to give more of what is being appreciated. It’s an efficient use of the system. Love begets love, kindness begets kindness, appreciation begets appreciation.

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But, when it doesn’t, when more energy is going toward “misbehavior” or the things that are not working in family life, children will be motivated to continue doing what draws them the most energy. Even if it is negative energy. The energy is the need, the developmental currency. Children will do whatever it takes to get energy from their parents. If a child is unappreciated for the positives but given lots of attention for negative ways of being, they will learn how to fuel their emotional needs with negative energy. They will continue to do whatever it takes to get energy from their caregivers. This can often result in the child exhibiting very unsavory behaviors. Not because the child is “bad” but because the child has learned that “I get more attention for my negative behavior than for my positive behavior.” In other words, if a child is given more present moment energy, i.e. attention for doing something that is not desired, the negative behavior is being appreciated. And what we appreciate, appreciates.

My work is about offering families information, inspiration and tools for creating positive, joyful and connected lives. I draw upon neuroscience, prenatal and perinatal psychology, attachment theory, intuitive wisdom and two decades of working professionally with families.  I am committed to helping people know themselves and their children deeply.

Would you like more? Sign up for my twice-monthly newsletters filled with new ideas and practical actions to make appreciation the currency of family life.

Photo by Alina Prax