No child is immune to meltdowns. They are part of early life and necessary for development. That said, by arming yourself with the most effective information and tools you can prevent most unsavory behavior from happening or minimize the duration of the tantrum when your child slips into his reptilian brain. Here’s what to do before, during and after the episode. (note: I’ll be using him/his throughout for simplicities sake)

Prevention is the key. When it comes to navigating the tough times with your little ones, the best offense is a good defense. You can maximize the amount of time your child is feeling regulated and in his human brain by being extremely aware of tending his physical and emotional “cups” and doing your best to keep him relatively full. The best way to keep him topped off is by taking care of yourself and making sure you are regulated. Next, it’s important to keep tabs on his physical needs such as food, water, sleep, exercise, etc.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, ensure your child is emotionally full by connecting with him often.  This means making eye contact, giving him burst of your undivided attention, being playful and expressing genuine appreciation and love. If you do these things, family life has the potential of flowing smoothly more than not.

And there will be meltdowns. As good as you get at prevention, every child will slip. Let’s frame this in the context of a real life example. Let’s say you’re at the grocery store. Well, hopefully you instinctively took some preventative measures up front: you fed your child a snack before leaving the house or getting out of the car; made eye contact and told your child where you’re going and why; you connected with him; maybe you even set up some sort of challenge or game like “I spy” in the store. However, if you sense a meltdown coming – you’ll know by incessant whining or whimpering, or not being a good listener, or being really bossy and yelling.

The first thing to do is to slow down. Literally. Stop your cart. Stop shopping. Take a breath and bring your attention to your child. Try to connect with him – make good eye contact, relate and empathize. For example, you could say with emotion, “I know you want to go to the playground and I can see you’re frustrated. And we’re almost done. Thank you for being so patient.” pause, pause, pause, pause. “Hey! Let’s go down 2 more aisles and then we’ll check out and drive right to the playground. It’s going to be so much fun!” Then guide his attention by being animated about something in the store and make it fun like “Oh my gosh! Look at the crazy looking leprechaun on this cereal box! He’s cooooool! What color is his hat??”
Whatever it takes…you get the picture.

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If that doesn’t work and you just can’t stop the meltdown from coming. He’s flopping on the floor and kicking and screaming and just totally losing his cool – the first thing to do is just stop. Stop your body and your mouth and take a deep breath – you need to stay regulated or you’ll just throw gas on his little raging fire. In some cases, you can soothe him on the spot; in others, you’ll need to park your cart, pick up your child, and  walk out of the store and get into the car.

Once you are in the car, check in with yourself. Notice where you are tense and how you are feeling. If you are feeling frustrated and/or angry do something that gets the energy out of you. One suggestion is to cover your mouth with your hands or arm and scream. Just let it out. Next, take a breath and remind yourself that you are safe and that this is just a challenging moment that will pass. After you’ve regulated yourself a bit, check in with your child. Sense what he might be feeling. Take a moment to just be there. Go slow and just let there be some space. Once things have settled, even a bit, offer a snack or find an area to move your bodies.  If you can, manage his expectations, take him back in the store, and finish your business; otherwise, head home and regulate. Get him what he need – physical or emotional nutrition, and he’ll come back into their human brain.

Good stuff, right? I  want to scream it from the mountain tops because I know how powerful and effective it can be.  And I have tons more to share. Tons! And I want you to have it all. That said, I’m crafting something amazing for 2012. Something so big that I can guarantee it will transform your family life.

It’s brewing so stay tuned.

The main shift that you want to understand is that your job as a parent is to CONNECT with and REGULATE the little person versus CONTROL the child’s behavior.

Here’s a perfect example of parenting from the old model versus the new. Your child is playing and after some time he begins to assert his will – He doesn’t get his way so he flops on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying and throwing everything in sight (sound familiar?).

In this scenario, the old way of thinking would suggest your child is simply being “bad” and “misbehaving” and “naughty” and that he  “must be disciplined and taught how to be good.”

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The truth is, yes, your child is indeed asserting his will. However, what we now know about the brain strongly suggests that  that your child isn’t misbehaving or being bad at all; rather he’s a dysregulated little person who can’t manage his big emotions just yet! He’s not trying to be disobedient or manipulative. No, your child is simply reacting to a mental and physical state of exhaustion, frustration, overwhelm or curiosity.  He is dysregulated and needs a parent’s loving care and guidance to get back to a state of balance.

I know what you may be thinking, “Carrie that all sounds well and good and I appreciate knowing it, but what the heck do I DO when my child is acting this way? How can I both minimize these types of meltdowns and deal with them when they are happening? Because when they are happening I really want to control and discipline my child.”

Well alright then, tools you shall have! Stay tuned for Part 3 where I will I’ll give you concrete tips and tools for dealing with challenging behaviors from the “New Paradigm” perspective.

In order to understand the practicals of parenting from this new perspective, it is important to frame the shift that is taking place by describing the “old” model versus the “new” model.

Our “old” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies in the womb are passive passengers

> They do not possess enough brain structure for memory

> They arrive as “blank slates”

> A child’s misbehavior has malicious intention and needs to be disciplined out of them

> A parent’s main responsibility is to “discipline” the child

The predominant belief was that babies do not arrive as people. Rather, they arrive in the world as “blank slates” and it is the parents’ responsibility to fill them with knowledge and train them up to be socially appropriate.  In fact, the idea went so far as to suggest that a human child has both “good” and “bad” and  “right” and “wrong” tendencies in them, and it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that their child is “good” and understands “right” from “wrong.” Basically, the assumption was that the child becomes an adult completely based on how the parent molds their offspring.

Our “new” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies are conscious

> They arrive as whole people

> They have primitive brains, bodies and nervous systems that need external regulating for quite some time

> They come equipped with inherent primal drives to connect, explore, learn, grow and be accepted by society

> Their “misbehavior” is “stress behavior”–the result of neurophysiological dysregulation

> A parent’s main responsibility is to guide and regulate

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To simplify—and this is foundational to the new model—your children were born into this world already whole and complete and the main things they need from you during early development are connection, kindness, respect, love,  physiological tending (food, a safe and enriching environment, etc.). AND, perhaps most importantly, emotional attunement and nervous system regulation.   This understanding is HUGELY different from what was commonly known about children and parenting by our parents’ (and their parents’) generations.

So what does this mean? It means that you are not ultimately responsible for who your child becomes as an adult. Their personality, their likes and dislikes, what types of people they’re attracted to, what kinds of food they enjoy and what activities, trades and sports they move towards – are fundamentally inherent to their beingness. However, parents are instrumental in helping children stay connected to their beingness, the awareness of who they really are, by providing a relatively calm, connected, reflective, richly love and joy-filled  environment in the early years.  Parents help steady the system for the little ones in the midst of the inevitable crazy rapid development that is taking place in the early years of life. And how does one do that? By becoming an informed, regulated present, self-reflective person.

I’m sure you have loads of questions and there’s plenty more to say so please stay tuned for part two…

My fourteen year old is participating in a workshop for young women. On the last day they will be sharing messages from women in their lives speaking about what they wished they were told at that age. I would love it if you would write a short note/email for this occasion?

I did not hesitate because I adore this young woman with all my heart. And I share it here because its message should be felt by all. Mothers, daughters, fathers, sons. You ALL are magnificent beings…

You are a magnificent being. Know that with all your heart and soul. And don’t ever forget it. In fact, make it your life’s mission to remember that you are far more than what the world can see. And do everything you can to share the wholeness of all you are. Give us all you got! Your light is bright and beautiful. Be courageous and let it shine. Take risks and put yourself out there. Trust yourself. You know. You know exactly why you are here and what you need to do to make this journey spectacular. Just listen to your gut and follow your heart. It will always lead you in the right direction.

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Photo by M. Marding

The second of five videos in an expert series by Geobeats.

Check it out right here.

For this trip, I’ll be returning to Santa Barbara as well as spending time in Los Angeles.

During my time on the west coast, I will be setting up camp first in Los Angeles with the intention to ask a myriad of parents the following questions:

What if you could feel…

confident in your parenting? deeply connected to your partner? trusting of your children and their development?

What if your family…

were all loving more and yelling less? could look and feel calm, joyful and massively fun?

What if…

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I ask my clients these question everyday.

And then we get to work.

And it all starts to change.

It’s astounding.

And the changes last.

And it’s beautiful.

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Los Angeles parents and professionals…I’m heading your way!

On Sunday, August 14th in a beautiful, private, Santa Monica home, I have a full-day workshop planned, please join me! YOU. ME. WE: Becoming a Calm, Cool and Connected Family Workshop is an opportunity to receive support, tools and information and to BE in community with parents as curious as you.

If you are interested in hearing more about how you can become a calm, cool and connected parent, simply click here. To dive right in and sign up, hop over here. And if you want to hear even more, check out this audio interview I recorded with Los Angeles Psychotherapist, Dr. Jessica Zucker.

Until next time. Much love! Always love.

Carrie

PS. Your support and kind words bolster me more than you know. You also let me know your appreciation by forwarding my offerings to friends you think might be interested. You can “like” this post, Tweet it or share via Facebook. If you aren’t signed up for my newsletter, I invite you to do so. And let me know if there are other ways we can stay in touch that I am not considering.