And realize, that it takes approximate 70-100 times of hearing the boundary in a POSITIVE way for him to know what to do when he has an impulse towards doing something you don’t want him to do.

For example, he wants to climb on the table because his body is saying “climb, get high, practice those skills, NOW!” Our inclination is to say “No we don’t climb on tables” and after saying this about 10-20 times we get annoyed thinking that he’s trying to manipulate or disobey (I loathe both of those words). BUT the truth is is that he is having a physiological impulse to climb and doesn’t know what the yes’s are. So for approximately 70-100 times you want to say, “Oh, you want to climb, I see that…. The table is for sitting at, AND here’s where we can climb” and then you help him down and empathize with the big feels. “I know you want to climb on the table… I get it… Arghhh… Let’s go climb on the bed”

And as much as you can, say it each time as if it is your first. He’s not trying to make everyone feel crazy. He’s trying to make sense of his world and he needs a lot of love and compassion as he does it.

It’s similar to CALMS

Check in with yourself and try to slow down the reaction

Take a breath

Acknowledge what he’s doing

Set the boundary

Give the YES

Empathize with the feelings

And the truth is is that he is going to go through phases when all of the conditions on the outside seem perfect — enough food, sleep, entertainment, affection, etc. but he’s still going to be melting down.  Understand that the melting down has nothing to do with what you are doing or not doing as a parent. It is because HE’S GROWING BIG STUFF IN HIS BRAIN AND HIS BODY. And it’s really hard work and all the internal chaos that comes with growing makes him feel really yucky and he needs to melt. The crying is how he makes the new connections and clears out all the charge that has built up as a result of learning new stuff. He needs for you to be present and compassionate and to hold him in the big feelings without getting mad or annoyed or thinking he’s trying to get someone’s goat. He’s not. He’s tiny and trying to figure out language and movement and thinking and math and relationships and music and art and all sorts of things, on top of GROWING his physical body, in a VERY short amount of time.

The key to this new phase you are entering is keeping yourself full up. Imagine that we all are cell phones and we have to charge up in order to have the juice to make us work. Well, the little one’s don’t have their own charger. They charge through the adults, specifically their parents. SO, when they are in phases of growth they are going to use a lot more of your energy so it’s imperative that you are taking extra good care of yourself so you can keep your brain in a place of feeling compassion for what they are going through vs. getting super frustrated and annoyed and thinking the behavior is something it is not.

Here’s a post we did over on the Slow Family Living site on boundaries that is worth reading.

Here are a list of books I highly recommend

My top picks are Your Child’s Self-Esteem, Parenting For A Peaceful World and The Science of Parenting.

A new era is dawning in our understanding of children, human development and parenting, Our current understanding is becoming obsolete and in many ways is just plain wrong. It’s such a valuable investment of time to learn about what’s really going on.

I’m wildly passionate about this, can you tell;)

Let me know your thoughts.

Sending love to All, Carrie