Early Parenting » setting boundaries

Tips for Early Toddlerhood

Carrie — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 12:43:44 +0000

A friend of mine recently emailed me this question so I thought I would post it, along with my response, for others to see.

Dear Carrie
“I think about you and your work often and am sorry I haven’t taken the
time to write sooner. What prompted me to finally get in touch is the
desire to pick your brain about the big D- discipline! Our incredible,
edible little one is rapidly becoming a toddler! More and more often we
find ourselves in situations where we need to redirect him and teach
him what to do/not to do. As much as it is possible, we really want to
get discipline “right” from the beginning. I haven’t spoken to you
about this topic specifically, but I’m positive we share a similar
philosophy. My idea of positive discipline is to make sure he’s well
rested and well fed so that he wants to have fun and not crank out.
I’m also all about environmental control and limiting difficult
situations, redirection, providing age appropriate choices, and
positive reinforcement. Do you know of a book that discusses how to
put all of this into practice? We would love to take one of your
classes, but that’s just not an option for us up here.”

Dear Mama,

I agree with everything you said — keep him well fed, rested, limit difficult situations, etc. you are spot on.

And realize, that it takes approximate 70-100 times of hearing the boundary in a POSITIVE way for him to know what to do when he has an impulse towards doing something you don’t want him to do.

For example, he wants to climb on the table because his body is saying “climb, get high, practice those skills, NOW!” Our inclination is to say “No we don’t climb on tables” and after saying this about 10-20 times we get annoyed thinking that he’s trying to manipulate or disobey (I loathe both of those words). BUT the truth is is that he is having a physiological impulse to climb and doesn’t know what the yes’s are. So for approximately 70-100 times you want to say, “Oh, you want to climb, I see that…. The table is for sitting at, AND here’s where we can climb” and then you help him down and empathize with the big feels. “I know you want to climb on the table… I get it… Arghhh… Let’s go climb on the bed”

And as much as you can, say it each time as if it is your first. He’s not trying to make everyone feel crazy. He’s trying to make sense of his world and he needs a lot of love and compassion as he does it.

It’s similar to CALMS

Check in with yourself and try to slow down the reaction

Take a breath

Acknowledge what he’s doing

Set the boundary

Give the YES

Empathize with the feelings

And the truth is is that he is going to go through phases when all of the conditions on the outside seem perfect — enough food, sleep, entertainment, affection, etc. but he’s still going to be melting down. Understand that the melting down has nothing to do with what you are doing or not doing as a parent. It is because HE’S GROWING BIG STUFF IN HIS BRAIN AND HIS BODY. And it’s really hard work and all the internal chaos that comes with growing makes him feel really yucky and he needs to melt. The crying is how he makes the new connections and clears out all the charge that has built up as a result of learning new stuff. He needs for you to be present and compassionate and to hold him in the big feelings without getting mad or annoyed or thinking he’s trying to get someone’s goat. He’s not. He’s tiny and trying to figure out language and movement and thinking and math and relationships and music and art and all sorts of things, on top of GROWING his physical body, in a VERY short amount of time.

The key to this new phase you are entering is keeping yourself full up. Imagine that we all are cell phones and we have to charge up in order to have the juice to make us work. Well, the little one’s don’t have their own charger. They charge through the adults, specifically their parents. SO, when they are in phases of growth they are going to use a lot more of your energy so it’s imperative that you are taking extra good care of yourself so you can keep your brain in a place of feeling compassion for what they are going through vs. getting super frustrated and annoyed and thinking the behavior is something it is not.

Here’s a post we did over on the Slow Family Living site on boundaries that is worth reading.

Here are a list of books I highly recommend

My top picks are Your Child’s Self-Esteem, Parenting For A Peaceful World and The Science of Parenting.

A new era is dawning in our understanding of children, human development and parenting, Our current understanding is becoming obsolete and in many ways is just plain wrong. It’s such a valuable investment of time to learn about what’s really going on.

I’m wildly passionate about this, can you tell;)

Let me know your thoughts.

Sending love to All, Carrie

Carrie on Dadlabs – Dealing with Tantrums

Carrie — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:46:46 +0000

Click here to view the embedded video.

Fall 2009 Early Parenting Classes and Events

Carrie — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:41:38 +0000

Here’s what’s coming up

One time events
Park Day – Saturday afternoon, October 24th

Boundaries Class – Tuesday, October 27th

On going groups
New Mama and Baby circle – Four Tuesday mornings starting October 13th

**ALL NEW!**
Monthly Parenting Tune Up with Carrie – Meeting once a month for three months either Monday mornings from 9:45-11:45 or Wednesday evenings from 7:15-9:15pm

Here’s some info on this new offering:

Do you feel on track with your parenting, overall, but in need of a tune up now and again? Would you like a little more support, information and inspiration?

How about a once a month meeting to help you feel confident and cared for along the way?

click here to learn more…

More Sleep Please!

Carrie — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:33:39 +0000

Last summer, at the request of several of my clients, I co-created and taught a class on how to help you and your child get more sleep with Bernadette Noll

Here are some of the thoughts I shared…

The key to healthy sleep habits is CALMING – You and your child

Your goal at bedtime is to help your child’s brain shift from an awake state to a calm state. How?

Activating the calming brain chemicals – oxytocin and melatonin. How?

1) Resource yourself so your brain is communicating that it’s safe to calm down. This means taking a moment or two before bedtime to fill your own cup so that you are able to be present with your baby or child while they are preparing to separate from you for the night.

2) Create a soothing routine for the child

Why?

“If stress chemicals are being strongly activated in your own brain, you can’t expect to bring your child down from an arousal state. Your tone is everything, and if you are tense, uptight or irritated, or angry your attempts to be calm will be false ones. All too easily, your stress and anger can activate the alarm systems in your child’s brain, making him feel too unsafe to go to sleep. On the other hand if your brain is strongly activating opiods, and your voice is gentle, quiet and soothing, this can be deeply reassuring for your child and he is more likely to respond to you.” – From The Science of Parenting

Stay present and connected through the process. Your child will feel it if you are trying to disconnect before she feels like she’s had a chance to fully connect with you in order to calm down enough to fall asleep.

How can I activate my child’s calming brain chemicals?

Create an atmosphere of peace and safety – dim lights
Make bedtime as spacious as you can – try not to be rushed
Create a bedtime routine that works for you and stick to it
Keep it moving but stay connected
Create a mantra or affirmation about feeling safe and secure and ready to sleep
Create bedtime rituals that are about connection – gratitudes, sending love, special kisses, etc.
Tell the story of the day with a slow, melodic, quiet voice
Snuggle up and read stories
Lay with your child and quietly breathe or meditate – imagine that you are turning down your internal volume knob

What to be mindful of during the day?

Exercise is key — If a child has extra energy to burn it will be hard to settle for sleep
Lots of fresh air and natural daylight
Eating a relatively balanced diet – try to avoid protein two hours before bed and definitely limit sugar. A Carby snack like a banana is a good pre-bed option
Be open and available to some good hard meltdowns. The emotional release during the day can help children sleep better and longer at night
Try to fill your own cup up throughout the day so you are not insanely depleted at bedtime

Some things to consider when making changes in the sleep routine…

Ask yourself: “Why are we doing it?” Because you need it to change or others think/say you should?
Acknowledge and examine any ambivalence you might hold before you begin to create any real change.
The commitment to change must be made before you embark.
Decide on the outcome you want: really imagine it happening, visualize it. If you can’t see it and feel it, it’s probably not time. If you can, write about it, talk about it, share it with your child, make it a part of your life.
Talk to your child about the change; don’t just start without informing the child.
Look at life and what is coming up: make sure you are in a position /place to settle into making the necessary change in a slow and mindful manner
Determine how long you are willing/able to give it before you change the plan.
Continuously assess and ask: is this working for us?
If it’s not time to make any change, you can still be planting the seeds by creating and stating affirmations of where you want to go.
No matter what you decide to do or which phase you are in in the process, appreciate where you are. Grateful presence for the moment you are in.
Trust that this too shall pass. All of the hundreds of children I’ve watched grow up, even the most challenging sleeper, do indeed sleep through the night one day.

Here are some questions to ask yourself before embarking on making changes around sleep…

What is the most challenging part about bedtime/sleep for me right now as a parent?

What was bedtime/sleep like for me as a child?

What do I want bedtime/sleep to feel like?

How do I want bedtime/sleep to look like?

What’s currently working for us around sleep? (remember, what you appreciate appreciates so focus on what is actually working)

Upcoming Early Parenting Classes!

Carrie — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 18:02:44 +0000

BOUNDARIES…

Parenting Your Child Ages 1-5: Setting Boundaries – Saturday July 18th, 10am-12:30pm

If you cannot make it to the Saturday class I’m also offering the very same class in the evening on Thursday July 23rd, 7pm-9:30pm, $45/person. Please email me (carrie@earlyparenting.com) if that is a better option for you. If neither work, let me know and I’ll schedule another one for August.

PARENTING FOR A PEACEFUL WORLD BOOK GROUP…

If you are interested in a longer, more intensive class, please join us for Parenting For a Peaceful World book study group.
I’m offering a Dads only class that starts on Wednesday, August 19th and meets every other week for six sessions. And I’m offering a Moms only class that starts on Wednesday, August 26th and meets every other week for six sessions. If you sign up as a couple or with a friend there is a price break.
To sign up one person

To sign up two people and receive a price break

PRENATAL PARENTING…

Prenatal Parenting Right From the Start. If you are pregnant or know someone who is pregnant please join me for this class. It’s a great way to start the parenting journey. Four classes, Starting Tuesday August 18th from 7-9pm

MOTHER’S FIVE HOUR FILL UP…

If you are needing to fill your cup join us for a day of relaxation and self-reflection. Friday, August 7th, 9am-2pm

ADDING A SECOND CHILD…

If you are pregnant with your second child and would like tips and tools on how to make the transition smooth for everyone in your family please email me and let me know. I have not scheduled the class yet but I will be offering one soon.

Here’s what people are saying about the classes.

I hope to see you soon! Please feel free to pass this on to friends and family.