So what do tiny new humans need from us in the beginning?

They need compassion. They need understanding. They need guidance and love and nurturing and lots and lots of emotional space. Yes, we need to tune in and attune. And, we need to do that in a slow and spacious way. In a way that honors who they truly are.

Here’s what we can say to our littlest ones…

I know there is more to you than what meets the eye. I know you are in there. I know you are a full person with thoughts and desires and the ability to create and a path of your own that you are traveling. I know that essentially you are no different than me, you are just in a small package for now. I will care for you in a way that honors all of you. I will care for you in a way that allows you to discover who you are without me thinking I need to pour my desires and my fear and my wishes into you for you to be OK. You are OK. It’s my job to discover, though our time and experiences together, that I’m OK, too.

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Photo by Mightybean

The second of five videos in an expert series by Geobeats.

Check it out right here.

That’s where Do Nothing for Two Minutes comes in.

www.donothingfor2minutes.com

This has become my most favorite quickie fill-up.

Perhaps you are thinking, “Two minutes, what’s that going to get me?”

Or possibly, “I don’t have two minutes to sit and do nothing.”

In which case, I say “Oh my, I have a feeling you will be pleasantly surprised!”

I often go into it thinking, “This won’t be enough, I need a massage or a day off to fill this bone dry cup!” But alas, I do it—sit, close my eyes, connect with my breath, listen to the sound of the waves… And miraculously, almost as if I’ve been given a magic calming elixir, after two short minutes I feel calmer, a little more rested, and surprisingly invigorated.

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And sometimes I give myself another two minutes because it feels. so. good.

Don’t take my word for it. Decide for yourself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, enjoy.

Why is this the case?
Well, it’s actually quite simple.

Children arrive as human beings. I like to say we are BIG BEINGS in little bodies. The being part of us is here to express our fullest potential. The human part is most concerned with the survival of this amazing physical organism. Upon arrival the being part of us is present, aware, fully conscious. However, the human part of us is very primitive and limited in function. In the early years, quite quickly, human beings develop amazing skills that allow them to be productive members of their families and ultimately society. And, this does not happen in a vacuum. Human development requires energy. Children need physical nutrition in the form of food to fuel development. However, they also need emotional nutrition in the form of energy from their parents and caregivers to fuel the massive amounts of emotional development that is taking place in childhood. The highest quality emotional nutrition, the emotional super food – if you will – is appreciation. When children receive appreciation they are receiving love and joy-filled positive energy from their parents. Feeling connected is a primal need that all humans have, especially developing humans. It helps us feel safe and seen. And when we feel safe and seen we are motivated to give more of what is being appreciated. It’s an efficient use of the system. Love begets love, kindness begets kindness, appreciation begets appreciation.

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But, when it doesn’t, when more energy is going toward “misbehavior” or the things that are not working in family life, children will be motivated to continue doing what draws them the most energy. Even if it is negative energy. The energy is the need, the developmental currency. Children will do whatever it takes to get energy from their parents. If a child is unappreciated for the positives but given lots of attention for negative ways of being, they will learn how to fuel their emotional needs with negative energy. They will continue to do whatever it takes to get energy from their caregivers. This can often result in the child exhibiting very unsavory behaviors. Not because the child is “bad” but because the child has learned that “I get more attention for my negative behavior than for my positive behavior.” In other words, if a child is given more present moment energy, i.e. attention for doing something that is not desired, the negative behavior is being appreciated. And what we appreciate, appreciates.

My work is about offering families information, inspiration and tools for creating positive, joyful and connected lives. I draw upon neuroscience, prenatal and perinatal psychology, attachment theory, intuitive wisdom and two decades of working professionally with families.  I am committed to helping people know themselves and their children deeply.

Would you like more? Sign up for my twice-monthly newsletters filled with new ideas and practical actions to make appreciation the currency of family life.

Photo by Alina Prax

A: I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I get that you are concerned about how to talk to your daughter about this issue. And, as you know, death is just an inevitable part of life. Children can handle it. Sometimes better than adults.

My first suggestion, before you say anything to your daughter, is to check in with yourself.

How do you feel about the loss of this person? How do you feel about having to explain death to your child? See if you can separated out the two. Why? Because if you are sad about the loss AND anxious about talking to your daughter about death, and you don’t take the time to acknowledge both are present, that can give your daughter a very mixed and potentially confusing message. It’s possible that she will equate death with a mix of sadness and fear. If you can uncouple and acknowledge that both feelings are present your daughter will have a different understanding of death. People die and it brings up sadness AND death is a hard subject to talk about. Both are true.

I recommend spending a few moments with yourself before you explain it to daughter. She will cue off of you. Get yourself to a place where you are relatively clear about how you are feeling. Your child can handle any and all emotions you are feeling if you are able and willing to be honest with her about it. Children know how we are feeling. It’s always best to be honest so that what they are sensing and what they are hearing is congruent.

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Here’s one way it might go:

“Sweetheart, I need to tell you something. Our Auntie died and I’m sad. I will miss her.”

And then just meet the moment. Just be there and answer her questions. And if she asks something you can’t answer just say, “I wish I could answer that but I really don’t know. What do you think?”

People are born. They live. They share their gifts. They create families and have fun times. And then they go. It’s pretty simple. Children can handle death.

Remember, care for and calm yourself first, be honest, listen and meet the moment.

What an opportunity for deep, real connection.

While it was somewhat odd to be talking for almost an hour without seeing your beautiful faces, gauging your temperature with the wealth of information provided, the notes you have shared with me after the classes let me know that YES! you want more more more. So more more more is what you shall have my dear ones.

I am currently working on a monthly series of one hour-teleclasses and while I have a few ideas up my sleeve, I welcome your input too! Your feedback not only serves as a buoy to my sprits, but informs the crafting of future (tele)class content. Do send me your thoughts, carrie@carriecontey.com. column_break

And for those of you who were unable to attend or just want a redux, click on the class title to link to the Mp3 recordings:

Unsavory Behaviors Intro to understanding the reasons behind sassy, aggressive, whiny and demanding behaviors. In this call you will learn how to diffuse the challenging stuff with grace and ease.

The Happiest Parent on The Block Intro to understanding that you and your emotional states set the tone for the entire family. In this call you will learn ways to keep your your cool when things heat up.

If you would like me to keep you posted on upcoming teleclasses and events please click here to sign up for my e-newsletter. Or like me on Facebook.

And if you are in Austin and ready to dive deep into Becoming A Calm, Cool and Connected Parent click here to sign up for my upcoming six week in-person small group coaching series.  If you  interested in participating in this small group coaching series as a teleclass please click here.

Thanks and don’t forget to enjoy the day and delight in your little ones!